Goooood Morniiiiiiing!!! ... and good evenings as well!!!

There was a time when I wrote about lazy mornings and how I don't like to get up in the mornings... well, that perception has changed somehow... and these days I have been enjoying getting up early in the morning! Yes, the morning is beautiful, and my mornings these days are made more beautiful by meditation classes and the talks by Salman sir! I really don't believe that I missed those classes for so many days!
For those people who don't know what I'm talking about, here's the explanation: We have morning meditation sessions everyday at IMT Nagpur, which is an entirely voluntary exercise. Dr. Salman Ahmed, a psychologist and our professor of behavioural sciences, conducts these classes. He had been practicing meditation for many years now, and he conducts these sessions with a commentary, followed by a talk for 15-20 minutes on different topics in which he integrates spirituality with practicality, and sometimes discusses our problems.
I have been quite disturbed and upset for some days, due to various reasons... I have been confused as to where I'm heading in my life, what is exactly my role and purpose, how will I survive in the world without using any unethical means etc etc. I had also become quite moody and unpredictable, I was not feeling happy from within, placement tensions added... and I had become really frustrated and very imbalanced.
I'm not claiming that morning meditation worked like magic and all my worries are gone in 10 days time... No, but I get a space for myself and feel fresh after meditating... I get to learn something about some everyday little problems and bigger problems too, from the things sir discusses after meditation, get a new perspective or a different thought process. And the incredible thing is that in a very short span of 10 days, it has started having a positive effect on me.
I feel happy for much part of the day now... and yes, I try and stop cribbing to people about the small everyday issues... Even I'm alone, I try not to feel lonely... that's quite difficult, but I have learned that if I run behind people, they will try to avoid me and if I try and stop controlling people, then they will be more comfortable around me.
It started even before I started going for meditation, but I feel that this is a transition period for me and my thought process, and I should make the most of it. More that anything, I needed to learn the art of being happy and I feel that I'm on the right track for that. Sometimes I do feel that I wasted so many days, doing opposite of what I needed to do for myself; but again I feel this is the 'right time' to go ahead and explore myself... and it feels nice inside doing that.

Now about the good evenings... I have started going for jogging in the evenings! yeah, those of you who are thinking that finally I have started 'the weight reducing exercise'; let me tell you that I have not yet started dieting... but I will start that also, when I feel that I should do it. Those evening walks and jogging is more of a mind exercise for me. I started it before I started with meditation, just to get out of this campus. This is placement season for us, and due to the current situation in job market, everybody seems to be frustrated and subdued here. All you can hear is 'the placement talks' which can be quite boring and frustrating in itself, sometimes more than the situation. This campus is like a small pond full of same type of fish, so once one fish gets affected, the disease spreads all over. The whole of the campus seems gloomy and I felt a great need to get away for some time. I have found a friend who loves taking walks and going out as much as I do, and it was him who suggested we should go for jogging in the evenings. Later on, we were joined by another friend and now the three of us going for walks is a regular phenomenon.
We have found a 4 km route where we walk and jog alongside the highway and it's fun! I had never enjoyed exercising per say, but this feels different. It is as if I run and I leave all my bad moods and worries behind and what remains is sheer joy of the evenings. I just love looking at the plethora of colours in sky at the time of sunset, and the beautiful moon shining above while we are coming back! More than anything, the nature has a therapeutic effect on me. There is so much to see, observe and enjoy that I forget myself and get engrossed in the surroundings... Once I remember that we went for walk somewhat late in the evening and till the time we came back, the sky was studded with sparkling stars all over. We were still at some distance from the campus, away from light, and the stars were shining above... how beautiful that was! we were just standing there, looking at the stars like small kids who have found a new treasure... I just can't describe that feeling in words!
What does it take to enjoy nature? Some time... just 10-15 minutes... but those 10-15 minutes energize you for the whole day ahead... and provide small moments of enjoyment which help you overcome most of the tensions and worries...

So that's the story of my happy mornings and happy evenings... wish you all the same...

Happy days are back again... Happy days are here to stay... :)

Loneliness...

Loneliness is what I know…

Can’t let that feeling go

Like a shadow, like a friend

Loneliness is the feeling without any end

Wherever I go, whatever I see

Loneliness is always there with me

Endless journey, meaningless quest

I’m tired of trying, when will I ever get rest?

Looking at the future, looking at the past

Good things in life never last

Wherever I go, whatever I see

Loneliness is always there with me

What will I do? For all that I care…

Finding true happiness is always rare…

Happiness looks like an illusion…

What I have is only confusion…

Wherever I go, whatever I see

Loneliness is always there with me

Why did I come to IMT-Nagpur?

It has been over a year that I am here at IMT-Nagpur. Somewhere I feel that I should write what I think about this place, which is my home for past 1 year. Living in a residential institute is a one of a kind experience for me, a person who has never lived out of the home ever in her life.

When I decided to get admission in IMT-Nagpur, I left some of the ‘fairly good’ institutes under Mumbai University, which would have given me higher pay packages compared to IMT-Nagpur. Many people found the idea of going to a new institute, without any ranking and without any guarantee of placements, stupid. Some, who were oblivious to facts, were happy that I’m going to IMT, which is a renowned brand in the field of management education. But I had consciously opted for this institute. There were two reasons: first, being a resident of Mumbai and having friends everywhere, I exactly knew where the ‘fairly good’ institutes stand and second, I wanted to stay out of my home, my familiar circle of friends and relatives, and do something different. And it is different, what I’m doing at IMT-Nagpur right now; very different from what I have done staying at home and travelling 2-3 hours every day for going to the college and back home, being with my parents with a lot of restrictions imposed on me, asking their ‘permission’ even for small and silly things which I myself can take care of. Oh God! I really can’t imagine doing a management course and not doing it at IMT-Nagpur.

“Why so desperate to get out of home?” …this is the first question that would come to your mind while reading this, and many doubts to accompany the question. The answers are hidden in my educational history. I’m a person who was hyped as being ‘intelligent’ since school time. But I couldn’t score well in 10^th, and I must say, I disappointed my parents and teachers. When I thought of going for engineering, I decided to study a lot, and give my best shot to 12^th. I got good marks, got admission to RAIT, which had a very good ranking and good placements.

Coming from a typical middle class family, I couldn’t adjust to the RAIT culture in my 1^st year; couldn’t find any good friends; was afraid of ragging, which was excessive at that time; was lost in a world of diversity. Whatever the reasons, the fact is that engineering education was a downfall for me. I couldn’t clear my papers, in spite of understanding the concepts, couldn’t score well in the papers that I cleared and lost all the confidence in myself and my abilities. I should have gone to a psychologist, who would have helped, but nobody thought of doing it, because nobody knew what was going on in my mind. On the face of it, I was this shameless person, taking all the criticism on face, doing nothing about it; but inside, I was a person who had lost faith in everything, lost confidence in myself, the only thing giving me strength was the awareness of my intelligence. I had always been this bubbly cheerful person, very talkative and always in a group of friends. I was always vaguely aware of my abilities, my strengths and weaknesses, but never worked on them. I started sulking, stopped mixing with people, going to family functions and gatherings, having fun… basically I lost myself in those days. I couldn’t participate in any extra-curriculars also, because of the rules at my home: "If you study well, you can do whatever you want; but if you don’t, then... well… its better to stop everything else and start studying"… so I tried, and failed miserably…

Well, then I again tried, and could score some decent marks to make everyone feel that now I’m again on a right track, and finally could get a first class I my last year, with 60%, which was an achievement going by my situation… what I didn’t understand at that time was, this type of system was not suitable for me. I can’t just keep on reading textbooks and by hearting things out of them. I need some fun, masti, enjoyment in studies, where I can be creative.

When I decided to come to IMT-N, I was still in doubt as to what I am getting into… but with encouragement of some of my very good friends, I finally decided to take a call… and here I am… enjoying my life at IMT-Nagpur.

This place has given me a lot of things, most importantly, a chance to prove myself. I have not been able to do so many things at a time in my life before… maybe, because now I’m on my own, I can decide what I want to do for myself, how I’m going to do it and how much time I’ll b spending for it. I have got a chance to express myself here, as I never had got. Maybe, if I had gone to some institute with better ranking, I would have been in awe of the students, faculty, everybody and maybe, I wouldn’t have opened my mouth for anything. Here, I know if I raise my voice, someone is always there to listen to me, to support me, and that gives me my confidence back… boss, main bhi kuch kar sakti hoon! I have been a part of Corporate Communications Committee, participated in dramatics, started with KOSHISH, which is very close to my heart, tried to learn French, MS34 was a very good platform to get creative juices flowing… wow! This has been a roller-coaster ride!

I have learnt a lot here, including how to handle people, how to work with them, how to understand them, and most importantly, how not to trust everyone… I have made some pretty bad mistakes too, but again, this is life, and nobody is ideal. Who doesn’t make mistakes? Well, the one who doesn’t, doesn’t learn also. I think I have had lot of learnings here. I think I have made some good friends here, too and I’m hoping to continue being friends with them. I will write about them, later…

So… this is my story about coming to IMT-Nagpur… I will write more about the place in later parts…

HuMaN LiFe iS sO CoMpLiCaTeD...

The way I have written the title of this blog... Doesn't it look complicated itself?

The question I have in my mind is that "Is human life really complicated, or humans make it complicated by their own deeds?"

I remember; my great-grandmother used to tell me stories of her childhood. She was born in 1910, passed away in 1993. I was 9 years old at that time, but I remember some of her stories. They had such a simple life! I admit, they were not given any freedom of thought or action at that time; societal rules and norms were very specific and strict. But they need not have thought about it. This system was made by God, and they would be benefitted if they obey the God. They were told to help poor, do good deeds for the benefit of others so that they attain Moksha at later stages of their lives. Men were supposed to go out and work, women were supposed to take care of home and children. They were happy living a simple life, where they worried the most about getting their sons good education so that they settle well in a convenient government job, and getting their daughters married to suitable groom from a well-educated family. I’m not saying that this system was idealistic, it had its shortcomings, but life was relatively simple then.

Even at my grandmother’s time and my mother’s youth, life was not as complicated as it is today. What with the effects of globalization showing in every nook and corner of the country, we have to think and take decisions at every stage in our lives. Where our traditional value system contradicts the norms of the new, modern world; a typical Indian youngster is always confused which one should he follow.

If you are not successful, you won’t get any recognition in the society. If you don’t have enough money to show off, you fear that people will look down upon you. If you don’t strive hard to achieve those upper positions in the corporate world, you’ll be criticized because you lack the ambition. You don’t have many choices for your own life. The system, the society, all your family, friends and well-wishers govern your life.

One fine day if you feel that I have earned sufficient money, now I want to stay at home and do nothing. Can you do that? The answer is: NO. The monster called society won’t let you live in peace. What if you want to quit living in this mundane everyday routine life, and do something radical or different? I agree that there are such different people in society, like Medha Patkar, or Dr. Abhay and Rani Bang, Baba Amte, Arvind Gupta etc. There are these revolutionaries who dared to do something different and were successful in it. Do you think, if they had failed, their ideas about improving society had not proven to be practical; would they be able to survive here? When we see one successful person, there are one million who have failed, and stamped ‘worthless’ by the society. Then why would anyone dare to think different?

Doesn’t this all make human life more complicated? First, create something called ‘society’, then create a set of unspoken norms that a human being needs to follow to stay in the group, then appreciate those who have tweaked these norms slightly to think something ‘radical’ and punish those who go beyond norms. I feel that we have created a vicious circle in which everybody has to enter, and there in no provision for exit.

Then there are some people like me, who have ample time to think about all these things and keep writing it all in a blog. We don’t do anything, but sit on the sidelines and let other people read and comment on it. For that purpose, after fire and wheel, we have complicated our lives further by inventing internet!!!

As aptly said by John Louis von Neumann, "If people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is only because they do not realize how complicated life is."

I believe that Homo Sepian was happier living in Jungle...

Let the complications continue…

Confusions of a typical mind...

When we live in today’s so-called modern society, in India; we can see distinct types and traits of people. Some people are hardcore orthodox, some are really ‘modern’ in their thinking and behavior and third category is that of wannabes. And today I want to write about these wannabes. Majority of today’s middle class (lower middle, middle middle and some part of upper middle class included) are the wannabes. They want to show to the world that they are modern, they are the rational thinkers and doing something great for the society, be it the change in their dressing sense or letting their daughters go out and party (though closely monitored).

The key question here is; does dressing modernly mean it is modern thinking? Does breaking some archetypical social norms and trying to set new ones, deliberately mean rational thinking? Does copying western culture blindly mean that you are doing something radical? In most of the cases, the original, core mindset remains orthodox. It is just the outer mask that these people are trying to change.

Basically, if you see, no thinking can be termed as ‘different’, ‘radical’, or ‘modern’; simply because no two persons can think alike. Just because as a society, we live with some rules, regulations and unspoken norms doesn’t mean that we actually think those norms are good for us. There is not a single person on this earth who never had any urge to fight against some of the social norms which haven’t changed with times; I am sure of that.

There are certain incidences in our lives which we can’t exactly fit into the standard definitions. And being in the society, every other person expects every other person to define clearly their role and goals in life, to define their relationships in a standard format accepted by the society. The question is who constitutes the society? A bunch of hypocrites like you and me? Yes, I would certainly admit here that I’m a hypocrite. According to me, a hypocrite is a person who is aware of the truth but does not have the courage or guts to ‘live’ the truth. In this case, I would say that ‘ignorance is bliss’ because you don’t have to think about anything, just walk through your life along with a herd, and you live a respectable life in the ‘society’.

What about the people who are able to think rationally, but due to their upbringing and cowardice are not able to implement their thoughts? Practically speaking, they are the hypocrites, but I would say they are poor souls trapped in their own image and perceptions of themselves created in other people’s minds. “If I actually do what I think, what would the society say? Will I be ignored/ boycotted? What about my own ‘respectable’ future? What would happen to my near and dear ones? Will they have to suffer contempt of society because of me? What about my parents? They raised me with all that they have, isn’t it my duty to see them happy when they are old? Am I being selfish by just looking at myself and my thought process, disregarding the set norms? But if I don’t, I will be the one to suffer rather than a whole bunch of people who will get hurt by my behavior”… “Sacrifice, Sacrifice, Sacrifice… for whom? For a set of dumb people who don’t have independent thinking capabilities? Or for other cowards like me who don’t want to tarnish their own image which is collectively built over the years?”

Why do I need to define each and every relationship of mine very meticulously? There are many things which are unsaid and undone, just understood. Why do I have this strong urge to put everything in black and white, with no gray areas in between? Just to keep myself safe? Safe from what? Just to say that I don’t want any confusions and complexities in my life? Isn’t this the biggest confusion in itself? After a confusion happens, I try to mould it deliberately in some silly rules and norms so that, u know, I maintain the image that I and my parents cultivated for myself over these past 25 years.

I have my own set of relationships, be it my friends, my relatives, the person I loved at some point of my life, and the people who are close to me, but can’t be set into definitions. What exactly can you say about the relationship between a guy and a girl, if there’s no physical attraction, nothing of the mushy-mushy being-in-love kind of feelings, but just a mutual respect and mature understanding? Going by typical Indian society’s norms, either you cut off some parameters of this kind of friendship, be ‘strictly friends’ or you call the person your ‘rakhi brother/sister’, which has become a joke in itself, or you be afraid of not having any definitions and try to mould this relationship in socially ‘acceptable’ love affair, though the kind of feelings you have for that person are entirely on a different level? It is not exactly a friendship, not an affair, you don’t exactly think of the person as a brother/sister. You exactly know where your relationship stands, you are very clear what you want from your own life, you know it perfectly well that you have found out someone who understands you well, respects you, treats you like a kid when you need some comfort, treats you like a parent when he/she needs some advise, you have just found a common comfort zone with each other. How do you define this kind of relationship? How do you get on, accepting the conditions imposed by other people? Why to put an end to a beautiful relationship, just because you are afraid of ‘what will other people think’? Why not to stand straight and dare to call a spade a spade? Why not to get on with your own life when you know that you are 100% right and clear in your thinking? Why not, for once, refuse to be a hypocrite and do what you feel is right?

Why not to end the typical mindset, to end all the confusions?

Me...

A song of gold sung from the heart...
A setting sun throwing light and an arena of colours on the horizon...
A precious book read a thousand times.. .
A simple talk carrying its meaning too far..

A lone tree surviving in a cruel windy weather...
A lone bright star amidst the universe containing a vast pool of brighter stars...
A tear which rolls down on a cheek...
A plethora of emotions hid behind one smiling, laughing face...

A person who wants to fight the unfair world with all her might...
A person who wants to make some place for herself in the hearts of others...
A person who wants to bring a smile on other people's faces...
A person who is lonely... not by choice, but by chance...

That's me...

A lazy morning...

I love mornings...

when I say that, I mean I love mornings when I can sleep for howmuchever time I want to, and nobody comes to disturb me and wake me up... and even after getting up, I love to lie in bed and think, or read some book that I couldn't finish last night... the best of the books that I read, I have loved to read them in this fashion... and the best of my self-assessment or brainstorming has happened at this time...

Today also, it is such kind of a morning... oops!! its 12:30... I got up at 11:00... and still lying in bed, writing this blog... staying in hostel in summertime, with no work at hand can give me this kind of luxury... all otherwise there's mom who yells at me saying I don't have any manners, discipline etc etc... or there are classes to attend, work to be done, projects to be completed...

but right now, I am just living a peaceful life at my hostel... the campus is all serene, silent and beautiful without the normal hustle, people talking, shouting, partying etc etc... in such a situation, all that 'laziness' sets in...

people might call it laziness... even I feel so sometimes... but in this rat-race of life, I need to have some time for myself... some time, which is absolutely and uniquely mine.. for which I am not answerable to anyone, except perhaps the almighty... but certainly not today.. I will have to settle that account years after.. why to worry about it now?

I sometimes don't know why I am doing a PG course.. why do all people want me to work hard? what if I don't? they say that I'll suffer... what if I want to suffer? or, what if I enjoy not working hard?

why other people always consider that I am answerable to them, for the time that I spend with myself? its MY time, I will spend the way I want... I am doing myself some good by spending a lazy day or a lazy morning... I think, I read, I write, I take my time doing small everyday things and really enjoy doing them... for example, taking bath is such a joyous thing!! In everyday chaos I just want to have a bath as a ritual so that I get fresh and then I have to reach somewhere to work on something... when I take time out for myself, I appreciate gain the joys of small everyday things...

well, I might not be able to appreciate the beauty of the morning sun, or the dewdrops on grass... but I can certainly enjoy being with myself, and doing the things that I really love to do, and most importantly, not to do anything because I have too...

In a contemplative mood...

I was just reading my friend's blog... and something triggered my mind...

she says she sees me as a tough person who doesn't show their emotions often... and here I am, thinking that I'm a creature with the feeblest mindset on earth.. I always have my eyes full of water.. I start crying every now and then.. maybe not when I am sad, but everytime when someone insults me, and I get angry... but generally people don't understand that these tears come out when I think that it is a defeat.. anger and hopelessness of the situation often give way to tears..

Those are the moments when I am supposed to be strong, cool and level-headed... and those are the moments when I need the least of sympathies... and I get more angry if people try to sympathise, looking at my tears... thats gives way to more tears.. and it continues.. till I tell myself that I am nothing but a stupid emotional fool.. and I always have my heart on my sleeves.. and my mind is weak enough to let my heart control my actions...

so.. what I began writing is about the perceptions..

When we say that we know someone.. is it not our perception about that person that we see as an absolute truth? How can a person completely 'know' some other person? we can just say that we know some typical habits and reactions of that person in some particular situations...

when I come to think of it, how much do I know myself? Don't my own actions surprise me now and then? Sometimes I condemn myself for having a particular thought.. saying that "this is not me.. I don't think that way.. I don't know where that thought came from..." Why do I make such statements about myself?

Am I not living by my own perceptions about myself? Am I not casting an ideal image of myself while thinking that some things that I do are uncharacteristic of me? Are they really uncharacteristic of me, or I don't want to admit that the things I critisize the most.. they are actually a part of me... they reside within me, though I like it or not... why can't I accept myself as I am?

These are the questions.. and I know the answers lie within... within me, myself and my thoughts...

Why is it so difficult to let go?

It is always said that “change is the only constant thing in life”. We all are striving hard to change with the changing times.. the changed time brings with it a lot of things.. new place, new lifestyle, new friends, new thoughts and new feelings, new goals of life… but is it always easy to accept the change?

Human mind is so strange.. first it wants the change… it longs for the change.. the desire is so strong that it accepts new thoughts, new ways of living and new goals.. the person works very hard to achieve them.. and when finally he has achieved it, he starts looking back.. even this is the amazing power of human mind.. u look back, think about the past.. feel nostalgic.. then start regretting about the changed life that u r living now..

Basically, what use it is to look back in life? “U should always look ahead.. and think about the future”, as they say.. “past is gone, and future is ahead.. so why bother? Live in present”, as somebody else says… but do we stop thinking about the past? No way!! It is the basic human tendency to do that… one benefit is, we can be careful while making decisions in our present and future lives, as experiences in past teach us something…

But do we really learn from the mistakes in the past? Some do, and some don’t.. frankly speaking, most of them don’t.. it is very very difficult to change the basic nature and behaviour pattern of a person.. then why to think about all these things? …. Simple!!!
-coz thinking about various things, and thinking constantly is MY basic nature!! :)

I just can’t let go of this thinking business.. sometimes I feel that life would be less complicated for me, had I not had the habit of thinking constantly, and inspecting each and every thing, if it is logical or not.. sometimes I feel like hitting myself for behaving “foolishly” as my definition of foolishness goes.. basically I’m a very practical person.. but very emotional as well.. and my practical and logical self always keeps on scolding the emotional and somewhat illogical self.. for not understanding intricacies of life.. and for looking back at the past again and again..

Sometimes it so happens that I start living in the past so much that I loose sense of current times.. and become all moody, gloomy and dull.. but then my logical side starts scolding me like anything.. then I try to come out of it and be cheerful all over again… but then I keep on thinking.. why does it have to be this way? Why do I always have to witness a fight between my heart and my brain? And both are equally strong, and equally important in my life…

The emotional attachments with a person, a thing or a place makes it very difficult to let go… coz I want to hold on to those things and experiences which are very special and dear to me.. those which are closest to my heart… but sooner or later I have to do it, because it is always better to prune dead branches of a plant if u want the other branches to grow with vigor…

So.. finally my brain wins over.. I come to my senses… and once again start living in the present… with goals and ambitions of future, and a heart full of hope… that “whatever happens, happens for the best”... :)