Thinking about you…

I close my eyes and think about you
I try hard not to let you go
I fight with myself to keep you alive
In my thoughts, actions and memories

I have got used to thinking about you
For days together, not counting nights
Sometimes I do it automatically
Just like a ritual I have got to do

I close my eyes and think about you
And then I wonder… why do I do it?
Is it really because I miss you?
Or is it just because I have got used to it?

I used to fight with you
Telling you not to give up
Justifying myself a thousand times
Trying my best to make you understand

Loving someone does not mean giving up
Love is all about standing up and fighting
With situation, with society, with critics;
With yourself, with me, with destiny…

Now I try hard to think about you
All that you really were…
All that I thought you were
And all that you actually weren’t…

Now sometimes I fight with myself
Because I have stopped thinking about you

I forget to remember you in each happy or sad moment
I disregard the memories once close to my heart
I don’t recall the last time I missed you
I have become ignorant of your existence…

Sometimes I feel
That I don’t know you anymore

And then I realize
That I never knew you…
I never ever knew you…

Goooood Morniiiiiiing!!! ... and good evenings as well!!!

There was a time when I wrote about lazy mornings and how I don't like to get up in the mornings... well, that perception has changed somehow... and these days I have been enjoying getting up early in the morning! Yes, the morning is beautiful, and my mornings these days are made more beautiful by meditation classes and the talks by Salman sir! I really don't believe that I missed those classes for so many days!
For those people who don't know what I'm talking about, here's the explanation: We have morning meditation sessions everyday at IMT Nagpur, which is an entirely voluntary exercise. Dr. Salman Ahmed, a psychologist and our professor of behavioural sciences, conducts these classes. He had been practicing meditation for many years now, and he conducts these sessions with a commentary, followed by a talk for 15-20 minutes on different topics in which he integrates spirituality with practicality, and sometimes discusses our problems.
I have been quite disturbed and upset for some days, due to various reasons... I have been confused as to where I'm heading in my life, what is exactly my role and purpose, how will I survive in the world without using any unethical means etc etc. I had also become quite moody and unpredictable, I was not feeling happy from within, placement tensions added... and I had become really frustrated and very imbalanced.
I'm not claiming that morning meditation worked like magic and all my worries are gone in 10 days time... No, but I get a space for myself and feel fresh after meditating... I get to learn something about some everyday little problems and bigger problems too, from the things sir discusses after meditation, get a new perspective or a different thought process. And the incredible thing is that in a very short span of 10 days, it has started having a positive effect on me.
I feel happy for much part of the day now... and yes, I try and stop cribbing to people about the small everyday issues... Even I'm alone, I try not to feel lonely... that's quite difficult, but I have learned that if I run behind people, they will try to avoid me and if I try and stop controlling people, then they will be more comfortable around me.
It started even before I started going for meditation, but I feel that this is a transition period for me and my thought process, and I should make the most of it. More that anything, I needed to learn the art of being happy and I feel that I'm on the right track for that. Sometimes I do feel that I wasted so many days, doing opposite of what I needed to do for myself; but again I feel this is the 'right time' to go ahead and explore myself... and it feels nice inside doing that.

Now about the good evenings... I have started going for jogging in the evenings! yeah, those of you who are thinking that finally I have started 'the weight reducing exercise'; let me tell you that I have not yet started dieting... but I will start that also, when I feel that I should do it. Those evening walks and jogging is more of a mind exercise for me. I started it before I started with meditation, just to get out of this campus. This is placement season for us, and due to the current situation in job market, everybody seems to be frustrated and subdued here. All you can hear is 'the placement talks' which can be quite boring and frustrating in itself, sometimes more than the situation. This campus is like a small pond full of same type of fish, so once one fish gets affected, the disease spreads all over. The whole of the campus seems gloomy and I felt a great need to get away for some time. I have found a friend who loves taking walks and going out as much as I do, and it was him who suggested we should go for jogging in the evenings. Later on, we were joined by another friend and now the three of us going for walks is a regular phenomenon.
We have found a 4 km route where we walk and jog alongside the highway and it's fun! I had never enjoyed exercising per say, but this feels different. It is as if I run and I leave all my bad moods and worries behind and what remains is sheer joy of the evenings. I just love looking at the plethora of colours in sky at the time of sunset, and the beautiful moon shining above while we are coming back! More than anything, the nature has a therapeutic effect on me. There is so much to see, observe and enjoy that I forget myself and get engrossed in the surroundings... Once I remember that we went for walk somewhat late in the evening and till the time we came back, the sky was studded with sparkling stars all over. We were still at some distance from the campus, away from light, and the stars were shining above... how beautiful that was! we were just standing there, looking at the stars like small kids who have found a new treasure... I just can't describe that feeling in words!
What does it take to enjoy nature? Some time... just 10-15 minutes... but those 10-15 minutes energize you for the whole day ahead... and provide small moments of enjoyment which help you overcome most of the tensions and worries...

So that's the story of my happy mornings and happy evenings... wish you all the same...

Happy days are back again... Happy days are here to stay... :)

Terror Strikes Yet Again...

What happened in Mumbai yesterday is really very shocking... I still can't believe this is happening now... I think nobody who loves Mumbai as much as I do would believe it...

Where is our Mumbai? One feels kinda lost now. There is this huge numbness that has come over. One can't feel, can't think, can't do anything but sit in front of television and watch the death toll increasing.

Who is dying out there? The Police, the commandos, the terrorists, 'the common man'? In short, the man who is working to earn his bread and butter, and trying to do that by the only means he knows. The people, who were shot dead on V.T. station, were on the way home from work, going back to their families... Had they not been shot dead, one wonders what would they be doing now? 'The common man' would have gone home, had dinner with his spouse, put their children to the bed and slept peacefully, thinking about the things to do tomorrow. Don't we all do that? Work for the day, have some entertainment at home and go to sleep thinking of things to do tomorrow, things to do on the weekend. I wonder what these men would have thought about their weekend plans. Visiting friends, going out shopping, catch a movie or staying at the home? Yes, they would have done that, had they been not taken away from their normal lives by a bunch of 'young adults' (they were no kids, adults neither, people of 20-25 years age) who think they are doing some noble work for some noble person. A person, who is sitting somewhere in this country or abroad, watching his orders being executed and laughing at all of us; the naive citizens of this country, who still don't know what they should or should not do in such situations.

Right now, looking at the scenario, one can’t blame any lone entity, be it the government, the politicians, the police, the commandos. The Mumbai Police, supposed to be the best in the world after Scotland Yard, were doing their duty when all these terrorist attacks took place. The police are trained to catch the criminals and law-breakers. How would anybody expect them to combat armed men, carrying a bunch of AK-47s, hand-grenades and rocket-launchers? Still, without any adequate protective equipment, they reached on the scene and tried to stop them. To think of a situation, where Hemant Karkare, The Chief of Anti-Terrorist Squad, went ahead with his men, regardless of his life; one ought to salute him. Vijay Salaskar, who has killed so many law-breakers, got killed by the hands of terrorists. These are our heroes, who went ahead, without stopping to take on the armed men.

While these people were risking their lives to save Mumbai’s significant monuments, the citizens and the foreigners, our ‘respectable’ politicians started a contest of who reaches the scene first. Arriving all the way from Delhi by helicopters, 3 leaders of 3 different parties just couldn’t share 1 helicopter, even in a crisis situation. They had to waste more of taxpayers’ money to go and visit the dead bodies of 100 taxpayers of this country. After arriving at Mumbai, all that the opposition party leader wanted to say was, “There was less violence when Mumbai was last attacked in our regime”. What kind of insensitive and shameless statement is this? What are they trying to prove? “Vote for us and you will have to live with less violence”? The key question here is, why are we supposed to live with any violence at all? It is a known fact that you can’t have a warning of terrorist attacks and you can do nothing to prevent them. But, when it was a time of taking a corrective action and to support the rescue operation going on, all these people could think was the coming elections and depleting vote-bank. Who will remain to vote for them, if these terrorists plan on a massive attack and destroy the city all together?

These terrorists, all within the age group of 20-25, in stead of earning their living and supporting their families by respectable means; are out there, risking their lives with AK-47 in their hands and tones of hatred in their hearts. Where does this kind of hatred come from? That too, when all others are thinking of getting good jobs, marrying, supporting their families… This is by no means, a rebellious action or a sudden outrage. It is a meticulously planned and bluntly executed attack. They are actually brainwashed into believing that they are doing good for their kaum, their religion. They say that they are doing this to take revenge on Hindus because of Babri Masjid incident. For how many years will they keep taking revenge of one incident? Were 1993 bomb blasts that rocked Mumbai not sufficient? What more do these people want? Did they ask a person what religion he belonged to, before shooting on V.T. station or before throwing a hand grenade? No, they didn’t. Yesterday, hindus and muslims were injured equally. This extremist thinking and outrageous behavior doesn’t lead to any solution of any problem. But the key question here is; does the problem really exist? Are muslims in India targeted by hindus? And even if they are, then what purpose does the attack on Taj and Oberoi suffice? Creating mayhem and taking people’s lives just because they want to prove their existence is a strategy followed over the time by various terrorist groups.

If we look at the death toll, today we can see it has reached upto 150. What did these 150 innocent people do to get killed by the terrorists? What was their fault? Nothing! They just happened to be at the wrong place at the worst time. One can’t help but think that in a country of a billion people, there is no value for a single human life today. It is so easy to kill a person! Just shoot a bullet, throw a hand grenade and the work is done! The most amazing thing is, the killer knows that it’s so easy. It all looks like a computer simulation game. Take a gun, aim, shoot, and your enemy is dead within seconds. Is that how these terrorists train their people? To take pleasure in killing, looking at the blood flowing like water? Do they really enjoy it or they just finish it off as an ordinary work, a regular job? What do they think while killing a man? Are they really aware of him as a human, or only an ‘enemy’ that they have to finish off?

The most disgusting thing put forward by all the terrorist attacks in the world is that human life is very cheap today. The price of a human has become equivalent to the price of gunpowder needed to make one bullet- nothing more, nothing less!

May all those who are dead rest in peace and those alive, take some action and fight the war against humanity. Amen!

Loneliness...

Loneliness is what I know…

Can’t let that feeling go

Like a shadow, like a friend

Loneliness is the feeling without any end

Wherever I go, whatever I see

Loneliness is always there with me

Endless journey, meaningless quest

I’m tired of trying, when will I ever get rest?

Looking at the future, looking at the past

Good things in life never last

Wherever I go, whatever I see

Loneliness is always there with me

What will I do? For all that I care…

Finding true happiness is always rare…

Happiness looks like an illusion…

What I have is only confusion…

Wherever I go, whatever I see

Loneliness is always there with me

My Friends: My Inspiration

I had to write one post dedicated to all my friends. I just couldn't do without writing it. It was just a matter of time when I would write it. And now I think that time has come... to cherish all the best moments of my life... the moments that I spent with the best of my buddies... my friends for life!
I'm going to write something about the each one of them... and the impact that they had on my life... It might be boring for some people, but it's a tribute to their friendship, from me...

Vaishnavi: She's the person who is with me, through thick and thin, for more than 9 years now. She is my confession box, and I'm hers. There's nothing in our lives that the other one doesn't know about. We have had our share of clashes, quarrels, differences; but what bonds us tightly toghether in the love and care we feel for each other. Initially an emotional person, vaish had changed a lot over the years and became tough enough to make some hard choices in life. Now that she has gone to China to pursue her dreams, I miss her the most. She is the one person I'm sure who will always be there with me, if not physically, but mentally to support me, to advise, to talk, to share, to laugh and to cry. Thats the magic of LOVE in friendship.

Jai: There's no other down-to-earth and practical girl as she is. She is the one who will give the most practical advise at the most proper time. This girl is another of my best friend, from the time we used to sit on the same bench and fight in school. She's the most fun-loving, sensible, mature (I don't believe I'm using this adjective for her!) person to be with. Though we don't share those minute details with each other, there's a strong bond, which assures that we'll be there for each other, always.

Sukhada: She listens more than she talks, and I think that's the reason she survived in our group of blabbering girls. Always understanding and helping; smiling and cheerful, I have never seen her angry or crying. The best quality of this girl is, she is always there... to enjoy, to discuss things, just sit and talk nonsense, gossip, anything...

Asawari: I remember more of her from 1st standard than right now, but the remarkable thing is, we have been friends for such a long time. Though not always in touch with each other, we connect instantaneously whenever we get together, like no time has lapsed, and the chit-chat continues...

Prajakta: A little emotional and cranky, Praju is someone who's hard to get along with, initially. But once you know her and she knows you, there's nothing to stop a lifetime friendship. The most caring girl ever, she is the one who makes it a point to give small gifts to her friends and expresses her feelings very honestly.

This is my group from the school time, and I think I'm blessed to have such close and caring friends... I want to thank god for giving me such good friends and blessing me with so much of love..

There are other friends whom I want to write about...

Abhishek: Though not in touch regularly these days, this guy is fun to be with, and as caring and understanding as he could be. We have always had this funny kind of relationship, where we can't help calling each other NALAYAK and pulling each other's leg always! I hope we could have spent more time together...

Ameya (Dr. Ameya Moghe): As funny as can be, as witty and intelligent; I have not see anybody as particular as him about meeting each and every friend when he's in town. He remembers each and every b'day and is always the first one to with exactly at 12:00. He's the one who shocked us all and made us proud by getting a Gold Medal in final year BDS exam! A great person to be with, I wish I could have more of him around.

Nikita: The most loyal friends ever! She's the kind who has a small friend circle, but will stick to each and every one of them for the whole of her life. She has loved and supported me through my most difficult times. I will always cherish her friendship.

Rohan: He's the one whom I can never forget in my life! Rohan understands what's going on in my mind just looking at my face, or sometimes even without looking at me. He is the one who understands and accepts me as I am, without needing to tell anything and I am grateful to him for the same. He won't express himself much, but is always ready to help out anyone in the vicinity. He has been a constant support and source of inspiration for me and I don't ever want to lose the most precious friend I've got.

Prajakta: she was a friend I made in my engg days. She was fun to be with, and our wavelengths matched to a great extent. I still feel hurt about the way our friendship ended, coz I had thought I had found a great friend in her...

Mayuresh: What do I say about him? Nothing can beat the way our wavelengths matched. We share the same tastes when it comes to books, movies, traveling etc etc... He has been my very close friend, philosopher and guide for a long time. Though we are not in touch these days anymore, he has given me a lot of memories to cherish upon. I will always relish upon the time I spent with him, for the rest of my life...

There are many people whom I want to thank for being there for me like Hema, Pratibha, Steve, Mudit, Swapnil, Rupa, Richa, Pallavi, Pranav, Rojit, Tejal, Shweta Karnik, Yogita, Kirti, Rujuta... I can't list each and every name here, but I am thankful to God for sending such good people in my life.

May God bless you all!

Why did I come to IMT-Nagpur?

It has been over a year that I am here at IMT-Nagpur. Somewhere I feel that I should write what I think about this place, which is my home for past 1 year. Living in a residential institute is a one of a kind experience for me, a person who has never lived out of the home ever in her life.

When I decided to get admission in IMT-Nagpur, I left some of the ‘fairly good’ institutes under Mumbai University, which would have given me higher pay packages compared to IMT-Nagpur. Many people found the idea of going to a new institute, without any ranking and without any guarantee of placements, stupid. Some, who were oblivious to facts, were happy that I’m going to IMT, which is a renowned brand in the field of management education. But I had consciously opted for this institute. There were two reasons: first, being a resident of Mumbai and having friends everywhere, I exactly knew where the ‘fairly good’ institutes stand and second, I wanted to stay out of my home, my familiar circle of friends and relatives, and do something different. And it is different, what I’m doing at IMT-Nagpur right now; very different from what I have done staying at home and travelling 2-3 hours every day for going to the college and back home, being with my parents with a lot of restrictions imposed on me, asking their ‘permission’ even for small and silly things which I myself can take care of. Oh God! I really can’t imagine doing a management course and not doing it at IMT-Nagpur.

“Why so desperate to get out of home?” …this is the first question that would come to your mind while reading this, and many doubts to accompany the question. The answers are hidden in my educational history. I’m a person who was hyped as being ‘intelligent’ since school time. But I couldn’t score well in 10^th, and I must say, I disappointed my parents and teachers. When I thought of going for engineering, I decided to study a lot, and give my best shot to 12^th. I got good marks, got admission to RAIT, which had a very good ranking and good placements.

Coming from a typical middle class family, I couldn’t adjust to the RAIT culture in my 1^st year; couldn’t find any good friends; was afraid of ragging, which was excessive at that time; was lost in a world of diversity. Whatever the reasons, the fact is that engineering education was a downfall for me. I couldn’t clear my papers, in spite of understanding the concepts, couldn’t score well in the papers that I cleared and lost all the confidence in myself and my abilities. I should have gone to a psychologist, who would have helped, but nobody thought of doing it, because nobody knew what was going on in my mind. On the face of it, I was this shameless person, taking all the criticism on face, doing nothing about it; but inside, I was a person who had lost faith in everything, lost confidence in myself, the only thing giving me strength was the awareness of my intelligence. I had always been this bubbly cheerful person, very talkative and always in a group of friends. I was always vaguely aware of my abilities, my strengths and weaknesses, but never worked on them. I started sulking, stopped mixing with people, going to family functions and gatherings, having fun… basically I lost myself in those days. I couldn’t participate in any extra-curriculars also, because of the rules at my home: "If you study well, you can do whatever you want; but if you don’t, then... well… its better to stop everything else and start studying"… so I tried, and failed miserably…

Well, then I again tried, and could score some decent marks to make everyone feel that now I’m again on a right track, and finally could get a first class I my last year, with 60%, which was an achievement going by my situation… what I didn’t understand at that time was, this type of system was not suitable for me. I can’t just keep on reading textbooks and by hearting things out of them. I need some fun, masti, enjoyment in studies, where I can be creative.

When I decided to come to IMT-N, I was still in doubt as to what I am getting into… but with encouragement of some of my very good friends, I finally decided to take a call… and here I am… enjoying my life at IMT-Nagpur.

This place has given me a lot of things, most importantly, a chance to prove myself. I have not been able to do so many things at a time in my life before… maybe, because now I’m on my own, I can decide what I want to do for myself, how I’m going to do it and how much time I’ll b spending for it. I have got a chance to express myself here, as I never had got. Maybe, if I had gone to some institute with better ranking, I would have been in awe of the students, faculty, everybody and maybe, I wouldn’t have opened my mouth for anything. Here, I know if I raise my voice, someone is always there to listen to me, to support me, and that gives me my confidence back… boss, main bhi kuch kar sakti hoon! I have been a part of Corporate Communications Committee, participated in dramatics, started with KOSHISH, which is very close to my heart, tried to learn French, MS34 was a very good platform to get creative juices flowing… wow! This has been a roller-coaster ride!

I have learnt a lot here, including how to handle people, how to work with them, how to understand them, and most importantly, how not to trust everyone… I have made some pretty bad mistakes too, but again, this is life, and nobody is ideal. Who doesn’t make mistakes? Well, the one who doesn’t, doesn’t learn also. I think I have had lot of learnings here. I think I have made some good friends here, too and I’m hoping to continue being friends with them. I will write about them, later…

So… this is my story about coming to IMT-Nagpur… I will write more about the place in later parts…

Maximum City : Bombay lost & found

Born in Calcutta and lived in Bombay for 9 years of his childhood, Suketu Mehta hails from a family of Gujarati diamond merchants spread world over. The son of this ‘globalized family’; himself has stayed in several countries and is a full time writer. The time he spent in Bombay (he calls it Bombay, and not Mumbai) has been the most memorable time of his life. Hence, when he had the urge to go back to his roots, he came back to Bombay, and not Calcutta or Ahmedabad, where most of his family lived. He explored the Bombay, trying to take in the beauty of this crowded city which belongs to a slum dweller, a millionaire, a gangster and a clerk alike.

There has been much written earlier about Bombay, its roads, lanes, bylanes; the local trains, chawls, the bollywood, the underworld, the people and much more… But the way Suketu Mehta sees it, it goes beyond it all; he depicts the darker side of Bombay, which is much more human than we can imagine. The man has a huge amount of curiosity and a greater understanding of human nature, which makes you realize certain facts and think about your own lives with a broader picture of LIFE at the background.

The book is divided into 3 parts: Power, Pleasure and Passages. Each of these portrays a different side of Bombay.

The Power part is devoted to the ultimate powers of Bombay: Shiv Sena (Bal Thackeray), the police (encounter specialists) and of course, the ultimate Underworld. Suketu is incredible when he meets Shiv Sena workers in slums, then the shooters of the underworld, the brave inspector Ajay Lal, then Bal Thackeray himself and talks to Chhota Shakeel-the Don on phone. On the way he also stops at the mini-Pakistan, Madanpura and gives us insights about people’s lives there. He doesn’t stop there; he becomes a part of the script-writing team of the movie Mission Kashmir and gives some vital information about the famous Bollywood-Underworld linkages. With his illustrative language, he captures the attention of the reader, and creates a web where all these lives are entangled with a giant spider of uncertainty of human life looming over their heads.

Bombay is a maya nagari as they say- it is a land of Pleasure, with Golpitha (the red light areas), the bars and bar dancers, the mujrewaalis and Bollywood strugglers. Suketu meets these all, becomes the best friend of a bar dancer, who shares her life and dreams with him. There is also a male bar dancer who dresses like a girl, and is the main crowd puller at the Sapphire bar. Who would believe that this person is not a eunuch, not a gay, but is a lower middle class married man with a wife at home who helps him ‘get ready for the night’! Then there is a bollywood struggler who finally gets a break in a B grade film. Suketu gets close and personal with all of them, and creates a collage out of unseen faces, unknown lives, and unrevealed passions.

In Passages, he walks down the memory mines, in his school days, and the changing cultures in Bombay. He also meets and helps a struggling poet, come all the way from Bihar, to recite his poems to the elite classes and masses of Bombay alike. The section ends with a chapter in Jainism, where he portrays a family of a billionaire Diamond Merchant in Bombay, husband, wife and 3 teenager kids, gets diksha and become sanyasis to attain moksha. He describes all the rituals and gets a few questions answered from the swami maharaj about their routine, their reasons and their lives. In this part of the book he is caught between the two lives of the merchant, one with pleasures, other with a path to salvation; and wonders what makes people leave all behind and follow the rituals, which sound somewhat illogical in today’s world.

The way Suketu Mehta writes about so many lives is sometimes satirical, sometimes sympathetic, sometimes with awe, sometimes with disgust, sometimes with his own opinions about them; but what arrests the readers’ attention is that he never forgets that these are humans; be it a gangster or a bar girl or a diamond merchant. That understanding gives a greater dimension to his observations and he makes you think about your Bombay. Every resident of Bombay sees the city differently, it means a lot to him/her; but to each, it means something different. Suketu gives you a roller-coaster ride of the city of hope, which is an agglomeration of individual dreams, a mass dream of the crowd…

What is your dream? What is Bombay to you?

HuMaN LiFe iS sO CoMpLiCaTeD...

The way I have written the title of this blog... Doesn't it look complicated itself?

The question I have in my mind is that "Is human life really complicated, or humans make it complicated by their own deeds?"

I remember; my great-grandmother used to tell me stories of her childhood. She was born in 1910, passed away in 1993. I was 9 years old at that time, but I remember some of her stories. They had such a simple life! I admit, they were not given any freedom of thought or action at that time; societal rules and norms were very specific and strict. But they need not have thought about it. This system was made by God, and they would be benefitted if they obey the God. They were told to help poor, do good deeds for the benefit of others so that they attain Moksha at later stages of their lives. Men were supposed to go out and work, women were supposed to take care of home and children. They were happy living a simple life, where they worried the most about getting their sons good education so that they settle well in a convenient government job, and getting their daughters married to suitable groom from a well-educated family. I’m not saying that this system was idealistic, it had its shortcomings, but life was relatively simple then.

Even at my grandmother’s time and my mother’s youth, life was not as complicated as it is today. What with the effects of globalization showing in every nook and corner of the country, we have to think and take decisions at every stage in our lives. Where our traditional value system contradicts the norms of the new, modern world; a typical Indian youngster is always confused which one should he follow.

If you are not successful, you won’t get any recognition in the society. If you don’t have enough money to show off, you fear that people will look down upon you. If you don’t strive hard to achieve those upper positions in the corporate world, you’ll be criticized because you lack the ambition. You don’t have many choices for your own life. The system, the society, all your family, friends and well-wishers govern your life.

One fine day if you feel that I have earned sufficient money, now I want to stay at home and do nothing. Can you do that? The answer is: NO. The monster called society won’t let you live in peace. What if you want to quit living in this mundane everyday routine life, and do something radical or different? I agree that there are such different people in society, like Medha Patkar, or Dr. Abhay and Rani Bang, Baba Amte, Arvind Gupta etc. There are these revolutionaries who dared to do something different and were successful in it. Do you think, if they had failed, their ideas about improving society had not proven to be practical; would they be able to survive here? When we see one successful person, there are one million who have failed, and stamped ‘worthless’ by the society. Then why would anyone dare to think different?

Doesn’t this all make human life more complicated? First, create something called ‘society’, then create a set of unspoken norms that a human being needs to follow to stay in the group, then appreciate those who have tweaked these norms slightly to think something ‘radical’ and punish those who go beyond norms. I feel that we have created a vicious circle in which everybody has to enter, and there in no provision for exit.

Then there are some people like me, who have ample time to think about all these things and keep writing it all in a blog. We don’t do anything, but sit on the sidelines and let other people read and comment on it. For that purpose, after fire and wheel, we have complicated our lives further by inventing internet!!!

As aptly said by John Louis von Neumann, "If people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is only because they do not realize how complicated life is."

I believe that Homo Sepian was happier living in Jungle...

Let the complications continue…

Confusions of a typical mind...

When we live in today’s so-called modern society, in India; we can see distinct types and traits of people. Some people are hardcore orthodox, some are really ‘modern’ in their thinking and behavior and third category is that of wannabes. And today I want to write about these wannabes. Majority of today’s middle class (lower middle, middle middle and some part of upper middle class included) are the wannabes. They want to show to the world that they are modern, they are the rational thinkers and doing something great for the society, be it the change in their dressing sense or letting their daughters go out and party (though closely monitored).

The key question here is; does dressing modernly mean it is modern thinking? Does breaking some archetypical social norms and trying to set new ones, deliberately mean rational thinking? Does copying western culture blindly mean that you are doing something radical? In most of the cases, the original, core mindset remains orthodox. It is just the outer mask that these people are trying to change.

Basically, if you see, no thinking can be termed as ‘different’, ‘radical’, or ‘modern’; simply because no two persons can think alike. Just because as a society, we live with some rules, regulations and unspoken norms doesn’t mean that we actually think those norms are good for us. There is not a single person on this earth who never had any urge to fight against some of the social norms which haven’t changed with times; I am sure of that.

There are certain incidences in our lives which we can’t exactly fit into the standard definitions. And being in the society, every other person expects every other person to define clearly their role and goals in life, to define their relationships in a standard format accepted by the society. The question is who constitutes the society? A bunch of hypocrites like you and me? Yes, I would certainly admit here that I’m a hypocrite. According to me, a hypocrite is a person who is aware of the truth but does not have the courage or guts to ‘live’ the truth. In this case, I would say that ‘ignorance is bliss’ because you don’t have to think about anything, just walk through your life along with a herd, and you live a respectable life in the ‘society’.

What about the people who are able to think rationally, but due to their upbringing and cowardice are not able to implement their thoughts? Practically speaking, they are the hypocrites, but I would say they are poor souls trapped in their own image and perceptions of themselves created in other people’s minds. “If I actually do what I think, what would the society say? Will I be ignored/ boycotted? What about my own ‘respectable’ future? What would happen to my near and dear ones? Will they have to suffer contempt of society because of me? What about my parents? They raised me with all that they have, isn’t it my duty to see them happy when they are old? Am I being selfish by just looking at myself and my thought process, disregarding the set norms? But if I don’t, I will be the one to suffer rather than a whole bunch of people who will get hurt by my behavior”… “Sacrifice, Sacrifice, Sacrifice… for whom? For a set of dumb people who don’t have independent thinking capabilities? Or for other cowards like me who don’t want to tarnish their own image which is collectively built over the years?”

Why do I need to define each and every relationship of mine very meticulously? There are many things which are unsaid and undone, just understood. Why do I have this strong urge to put everything in black and white, with no gray areas in between? Just to keep myself safe? Safe from what? Just to say that I don’t want any confusions and complexities in my life? Isn’t this the biggest confusion in itself? After a confusion happens, I try to mould it deliberately in some silly rules and norms so that, u know, I maintain the image that I and my parents cultivated for myself over these past 25 years.

I have my own set of relationships, be it my friends, my relatives, the person I loved at some point of my life, and the people who are close to me, but can’t be set into definitions. What exactly can you say about the relationship between a guy and a girl, if there’s no physical attraction, nothing of the mushy-mushy being-in-love kind of feelings, but just a mutual respect and mature understanding? Going by typical Indian society’s norms, either you cut off some parameters of this kind of friendship, be ‘strictly friends’ or you call the person your ‘rakhi brother/sister’, which has become a joke in itself, or you be afraid of not having any definitions and try to mould this relationship in socially ‘acceptable’ love affair, though the kind of feelings you have for that person are entirely on a different level? It is not exactly a friendship, not an affair, you don’t exactly think of the person as a brother/sister. You exactly know where your relationship stands, you are very clear what you want from your own life, you know it perfectly well that you have found out someone who understands you well, respects you, treats you like a kid when you need some comfort, treats you like a parent when he/she needs some advise, you have just found a common comfort zone with each other. How do you define this kind of relationship? How do you get on, accepting the conditions imposed by other people? Why to put an end to a beautiful relationship, just because you are afraid of ‘what will other people think’? Why not to stand straight and dare to call a spade a spade? Why not to get on with your own life when you know that you are 100% right and clear in your thinking? Why not, for once, refuse to be a hypocrite and do what you feel is right?

Why not to end the typical mindset, to end all the confusions?

Rains...

Yeh raat bheegi bheegi, yeh mast fizayein…

Utha dheere dheere yun chaand pyaara pyaara…

Bheegi bheegi raat aur ek pyarasa chaand!! Waah kya combination hai!!! I just love this song…

Why?

Because I love the way the lyrics show subtle romanticism… rains and moon are always associated with romanticism… be it any language or any culture… its universal…

What’s more? Our own beloved Bollywood always depicts all those romantic love scenes in rains only… Rain-drenched actresses are a trademark of Bollywood…

But that’s not the reason why I’m writing this blog… it’s the rainy season… and I love water in any form... especially when it pours down heavily from skies… I just love those heavy rainfalls, be it anywhere…

Right now I’m here in the hostel, away from home… and I do miss Mumbai rains… I know some people might laugh at me, because I love all those muddy Mumbai rains, even if its all dirty and water-clogged everywhere… I was one of the persons who was irritated by all that shabbiness… I still am, but the moment I sit in the window of my Thane home, a cup of masala chai in my hand, I just forget all that is shabby in the world… I’m just thrilled because rains are there… the way the raindrops touch my windowpanes, I feel that the nature itself is caressing me with its hands… it is calling my soul with open arms… “Meghana, what are you sitting there for? Come out, shake a hand with me, I want your company today”

When I hear that call from the nature, I loose touch with all reality and sophistication, and I just want to run out like a small kid, and get drenched in rain, only to find my mother scolding, “beta, you’ll catch a cold”… what the hell, I go out onto the terrace anyways, and let me tell you, my mom has never stopped me saying that I will catch cold… She herself comes out sometimes to get drenched, and we don’t remain mother and daughter, we just become two giggling kids, who extremely enjoy the rainwater and are thrilled to see the rainbow, if it appears in the sky…

My love for rains is there with me since childhood, and I don’t think I’ll ever care about the world if I want to embrace nature with both my hands, get wet in the rain and more importantly, just be happy that’s rains are finally here…

Every person has a child inside him/her, whatever be the age… and the child inside me just wants to run and run and run… to see the heavy downpour all around me, to see the nature welcoming me with all the greenery spread around, to realize that life’s here again, to discover that the smell of earth is sweeter than any perfume, to just be a kid and not to worry about anything in this world… just take in those moments of joy and absolute bliss… never to think again…

Me...

A song of gold sung from the heart...
A setting sun throwing light and an arena of colours on the horizon...
A precious book read a thousand times.. .
A simple talk carrying its meaning too far..

A lone tree surviving in a cruel windy weather...
A lone bright star amidst the universe containing a vast pool of brighter stars...
A tear which rolls down on a cheek...
A plethora of emotions hid behind one smiling, laughing face...

A person who wants to fight the unfair world with all her might...
A person who wants to make some place for herself in the hearts of others...
A person who wants to bring a smile on other people's faces...
A person who is lonely... not by choice, but by chance...

That's me...

on Songs...

Songs... specially, old hindi songs...

I don't think I can really define the kind of charm they have... I am a fan of all kinds of hindi film songs right from late 40's to late 90's... but I still don't know why, I don't much like the songs that Bollywood generates today.. with some exceptions, of course..

I get bored with new songs very easily.. I listen to them for some time if I like them, then I just get fed up with them soon..

it NEVER happens so with old songs.. I always feel a kind of charm, a freshness about them.. especially the songs sung by Kishore, Rafi, Geeta Dutt, Asha and Hemant Kumar.. I still don't know what attracts me to yaad kiya dilne kahan ho tum.. who knows Usha Kiran and Dev Anand these days? but I still like the song and the video both.. I have even set it as my caller tune.. it seemed so perfect for a caller tune..

yaad kiya dil ne kahan ho tum
jhoomati bahaar hai kahan ho tum
pyaar se pukar lo jahan ho tum
pyaar se pukar lo jahan ho tum

whenever anyone of my friends remembers me and calls me, I always feel like telling them "call me with love wherever you are, I am just a phone call away.."

there is this old-world innocence and charm associated with the romantic songs like maang ke saath tumhara from naya daur or udhar tum haseen ho idhar dil jawan hai yeh rangeen raaton ki ek daastan hai from Mr. and Mrs. 55 or aaja sanam madhur chandani mein hum tum mile to virane mein bhi aa jayegi bahar... wow!!! i just love those lyrics.. there's some shyness associated with the expression, and very subtle undercurrents of passion... it all seems attractive, and better than the nakedness of physical wants and needs that we come across in recent songs.

I think people and their expressions look more clear if the song is shot in black-and-white mode.. even the comedy, like Johny Walker does in various movies and songs.. the one i absolutely love is the office romance in jaane kahan mera jigar gaya ji.. and another one is sar jo tera chakaraaye... and aye dil hai mushquil jeena yahan.. jara hatke jara bachke yeh hai bombay meri jaan.. I absolutely love looking at all those locations in Mumbai when it was still called as 'Bombay'..

Now what do I say about Kishore Kumar? He is the uncontested king of the old hindi songs, and GOD OF SINGING according to me.. the way he manages to make you smile with his yodling or laugh with the songs like paanch rupaiya baara aana or gaana na aaya bajaana na aaya, or makes u feel sad and emotional with some songs like zindagi ka safar hai yeh kaisa safar, mera jeevan kora kagaz.. or gives u all those subtle romantic vibes in o hansini and tum bin jaoon kahan.. or makes you dance to the tunes of om shanti om and saara zamana.. haseenon ka deewana... only one word for all that... AMAZING!!! I'm absolutely in awe of this person...

only one equally versatile female singer is Asha... when she sings.. oh god, she blows you away with her talented voice... this woman can sing songs of any genre.. be it romantic, discotheque, sad, passionate, ghazal, mujra.. you name it and she has sung it... Asha when sings to the tunes of R. D. Burman with Gulzar's words... a masterpiece like mera kuchh samaan tumhare paas pada hai is created... that one is my all time favourite..

I can very well go on and on like this about old hindi movie songs.. but I got to stop somewhere... so I will stop here, though I've once again returned to my shell where I live with my songs.. I will listen to some more songs now, and will write about the rest later on..

Let there be music!!!

A lazy morning...

I love mornings...

when I say that, I mean I love mornings when I can sleep for howmuchever time I want to, and nobody comes to disturb me and wake me up... and even after getting up, I love to lie in bed and think, or read some book that I couldn't finish last night... the best of the books that I read, I have loved to read them in this fashion... and the best of my self-assessment or brainstorming has happened at this time...

Today also, it is such kind of a morning... oops!! its 12:30... I got up at 11:00... and still lying in bed, writing this blog... staying in hostel in summertime, with no work at hand can give me this kind of luxury... all otherwise there's mom who yells at me saying I don't have any manners, discipline etc etc... or there are classes to attend, work to be done, projects to be completed...

but right now, I am just living a peaceful life at my hostel... the campus is all serene, silent and beautiful without the normal hustle, people talking, shouting, partying etc etc... in such a situation, all that 'laziness' sets in...

people might call it laziness... even I feel so sometimes... but in this rat-race of life, I need to have some time for myself... some time, which is absolutely and uniquely mine.. for which I am not answerable to anyone, except perhaps the almighty... but certainly not today.. I will have to settle that account years after.. why to worry about it now?

I sometimes don't know why I am doing a PG course.. why do all people want me to work hard? what if I don't? they say that I'll suffer... what if I want to suffer? or, what if I enjoy not working hard?

why other people always consider that I am answerable to them, for the time that I spend with myself? its MY time, I will spend the way I want... I am doing myself some good by spending a lazy day or a lazy morning... I think, I read, I write, I take my time doing small everyday things and really enjoy doing them... for example, taking bath is such a joyous thing!! In everyday chaos I just want to have a bath as a ritual so that I get fresh and then I have to reach somewhere to work on something... when I take time out for myself, I appreciate gain the joys of small everyday things...

well, I might not be able to appreciate the beauty of the morning sun, or the dewdrops on grass... but I can certainly enjoy being with myself, and doing the things that I really love to do, and most importantly, not to do anything because I have too...

In a contemplative mood...

I was just reading my friend's blog... and something triggered my mind...

she says she sees me as a tough person who doesn't show their emotions often... and here I am, thinking that I'm a creature with the feeblest mindset on earth.. I always have my eyes full of water.. I start crying every now and then.. maybe not when I am sad, but everytime when someone insults me, and I get angry... but generally people don't understand that these tears come out when I think that it is a defeat.. anger and hopelessness of the situation often give way to tears..

Those are the moments when I am supposed to be strong, cool and level-headed... and those are the moments when I need the least of sympathies... and I get more angry if people try to sympathise, looking at my tears... thats gives way to more tears.. and it continues.. till I tell myself that I am nothing but a stupid emotional fool.. and I always have my heart on my sleeves.. and my mind is weak enough to let my heart control my actions...

so.. what I began writing is about the perceptions..

When we say that we know someone.. is it not our perception about that person that we see as an absolute truth? How can a person completely 'know' some other person? we can just say that we know some typical habits and reactions of that person in some particular situations...

when I come to think of it, how much do I know myself? Don't my own actions surprise me now and then? Sometimes I condemn myself for having a particular thought.. saying that "this is not me.. I don't think that way.. I don't know where that thought came from..." Why do I make such statements about myself?

Am I not living by my own perceptions about myself? Am I not casting an ideal image of myself while thinking that some things that I do are uncharacteristic of me? Are they really uncharacteristic of me, or I don't want to admit that the things I critisize the most.. they are actually a part of me... they reside within me, though I like it or not... why can't I accept myself as I am?

These are the questions.. and I know the answers lie within... within me, myself and my thoughts...

Destination Dorli!!

“The society gives us so much; we should give something in return...”

This is what we thought, here at IMT Nagpur. We are “KOSHISH…let’s make a better future”, a team of 12 people, all second year student managers at IMT Nagpur, who go to a nearby village ‘Dorli’ every Sunday to teach schoolchildren there.

It all started with…

The thought that we should do something for Dorli village was shaping up in the minds of a few people simultaneously. I discussed it with Jaspreet, Mitesh and Khushboo and together with Nitin and Neha, we decided to go to Dorli and talk to the Sarpanch about what we can do. Neha, Jaspreet and Mitesh were associated with some or other NGO in Delhi and we were benefited by their experiences.

We went to the village, met the Sarpanch, Mrs. Sunanda Rokade and asked her what all problems they are facing there. She discussed at length about the condition of schools, the problems children are facing with English and Mathematics, the condition of medical care, the problems that farmers are facing, 10^th-12th passed younger generation deprived of jobs due to lack of computer training and many more... We told her that we can help with one of the problems, to begin with. The reason was that we are all students of post graduate management program, which is quite a demanding course; hence availability of time was a major constraint for us.

Brainstorming sessions…

After coming back, we held 2-3 meetings where we weighed our options. Everybody had a distinct opinion about what is to be done and how it should be done. After a lot many debates, discussions and brainstorming we came to a consensus that we can teach the schoolchildren. There was a problem of language because the schools have Marathi as the medium of instruction and I was the only one speaking Marathi. All the same, we decided to try it out.

The first experience with children…

We met the Sarpanch again, this time with specific ideas. We decided to go on a Sunday afternoon in November (it was 2^nd Sunday of November 2007), meet the children and gauge their level of understanding. When we actually reached there, nobody had turned up! We called Mrs. Sunanda and requested her to gather as many children as possible. Soon the crowd gathered and there were almost 50 children of different age groups sitting in the panchayat courtyard in front of us. We introduced ourselves and I started telling them a story in Marathi. The children were shy initially, but soon after listening to the story they started opening up. Then we asked their names and chatted with them.

Getting acquainted…

It took next two sessions to get to know each other. Till that time we also held some meetings and decided our approach. Meantime, Chetan, Ashish, Deepak, Divya, Sheetal and Arunima had joined hands with us. We divided children in four groups, standard-wise: 1^st to 3^rd, 4^th to 6^th, 7^th-8^th and 9^th-10^th. We assigned 3 members to each group. Since I and Chetan were the only two Marathi-speaking people, we decided that we will help out whenever needed. We decided to teach them English, Mathematics and some tricks and tips for self-study.

Work that is going on…

We go to Dorli every Sunday afternoon and spend 3-4 hours. Each and every one of us teaches some group or other. The initial language problem has eased out by now; because children are able to understand Hindi, and the KOSHISH members have picked up some words/ phrases in Marathi. I teach mathematics to those children who have only Marathi as the medium of instruction.

Along with the textbook study, we also tell them some tips on how to study and improve their reading and writing style. The children wanted to learn to speak English, hence while teaching we emphasize on correct pronunciations and usage of words. We also tell them some short stories about people who achieved their dreams in difficult situations. Besides, we also tell them how to maintain hygiene in day to day activities. The younger kids like to play with us, hence we conduct some group activity/game at the end of the day and the winner is appreciated by everyone with a lot of claps and cheers.

In these sessions, the children and we have become fond of each other. When any one of us is unable to go there, children always ask for that ‘tai’ (didi) or ‘dada’ (bhaiya). If they get to know that anybody is ill, one of them calls up mid-week to ask how is he/she.

Now we have resumed our sessions after coming back from our summer internships. Three of our students have passed 10^th standard board exams with moderately good marks. We called them to help us with the younger kids, and they consented. Now we can proudly say that some of out students have become teachers, and they want to help the younger ones with the studies.

Tokens of appreciation…

When we started, we used to sit on ground in the open space in front of Panchayat office; but come February and we were greeted by a surprise! The Panchayat office was opened for us, some plastic chairs and drinking water was made available. The Sarpanch herself visits every time and asks how the children are doing. We also met a primary school teacher who appreciated us. These small tokens of appreciation and recognition mean a lot to us. These are the things that motivate us further to continue the work in spite of our hectic schedule and time constraints.

Future plans…

Now that we are in our second year, we are planning to take along some of our juniors so that the initiative taken by us does not die down. For self-sustainability of this work, we have involved the 10^th passed students in our activities. We are planning to conduct a public speaking and personality development workshop in the primary school, as per the demand of their teachers. We also want to conduct English speaking classes for 10^th-12^th passed youngsters. We are looking forward to arrange a medical camp in the village with the help of some doctors from Nagpur. We are also planning to cater to the farmers’ problems; but we would require some funding for that purpose.

So far we have been successful in doing what we wanted to do and we wish to do a lot more in future. KOSHISH believes in hardwork, sincerity and willingness to bring smiles on the villagers’ faces. We believe in the saying “where there is the will, there is a way”. We are certainly treading on the right path, in the right direction…

On F.R.I.E.N.D.S….

A friend is the one whom you can share your thoughts with

A friend is the one whom you can trust

A friend is the one who will be there

When all other relationships rust

A friend is the one who supports

When the world turns its back on you

The one who believes in every bit

That is a part of you

A friend is the one whom you can say anything

But need not always say everything

The one who understands all that is unsaid

And supports you, whatever you do; all through the end

A real friend won’t ever tell you to hold back

He’ll help you in the areas that you lack

A friend is the one who holds your hand and will never leave

To whom you tell the weirdest tale, he’ll always believe

My friend,

You can talk, you can laugh, you can cry, you can crack jokes,

You can just sit with me and do nothing...

Watch movies, do silly things together, sit in a coffee shop and while away time

Just be there with me always, coz I will be there for you, no matter what...

I have written this in remembrance of the old times, for the friends that I have, and that I used to have, the friends that I cared for and who care for me… or don’t…

This is to tell them that even if you forget to call me, to say just a casual ‘hi’ or ‘hello’;

You mean to me more than that... you always reside in my heart... and I will never let you go from my life and will never let you down...

God bless you my friend…